Raising emotionally intelligent boys

Who Don’t Have to Heal From Their Childhood

Let’s be honest. If many of our boys had cried in front of our parents growing up, they might not be here to tell the story. You scraped your knee? “You’re a boy, stop crying.” Someone upset you? “Why are you acting like a girl?” You wanted a hug? “Go and sit down there my friend.”

So they learnt early. To toughen up. To silence emotion. To swallow hurt. Boys were raised to be strong, never soft. Loud, never vulnerable. Confident, but never confused. And now we’re wondering why they struggle to express themselves, even as men.

It’s time to break that cycle.

Boys Feel Too

African boys are not made of cement. They cry. They feel overwhelmed. They need comfort. But the world tells them to hide it. And sometimes, so do we.

We say, “Be a man,” before they’ve even become teenagers. We think if they show sadness, it means they’re weak. We punish them for being sensitive, then call them emotionally unavailable years later.

We’re raising boys who are scared to feel.

And then we complain that they grow up and don’t talk.

Start by Making Space

If your son is quiet, don’t force him to talk, invite him. Sit beside him. Ask how his day was and listen to the answer. Not every conversation needs advice. Sometimes, he just needs you to nod and say, “That sounds hard.”

Give him words. If he’s frustrated, name it. “You seem angry. Want to talk about it?” Help him learn that emotions are not shameful. They are signals.

Let him cry. Yes, let the tears fall. Don’t tell him to stop. Don’t joke about it. Just be there. Your presence is more powerful than any lecture.

Model It

Boys watch their fathers. They watch their uncles, their older cousins. If all they see is silence and shouting, that’s what they’ll mirror.

So show emotion. Say, “I’m upset.” Say, “That made me sad.” Say sorry when you mess up. It won’t make you less of a man. It’ll make you more of a father.

If you’re a mother, don’t just say “I love you” when he does well. Say it randomly. Say it even when he fails. Let him know love is not a reward. It’s constant.

Don’t Dismiss His Sensitivity

If he’s quiet, shy, cautious, don’t try to force him to “toughen up.” Not all boys are loud. Not all boys fight in school. Some boys are watchers. Some feel deeply. That’s not a flaw. It’s a gift.

Sensitivity isn’t weakness. It’s awareness. It means he notices more, cares more, feels more. Protect that. Nurture that. The world will try to toughen him. Let home be the place where he can soften.

Give Him Language

Teach him how to name what he’s feeling. Not just “fine” or “okay.” Give him better words. Angry. Tired. Embarrassed. Scared. Excited. Disappointed.

If he can name it, he can manage it.

When he acts out, don’t just punish. Ask, “What’s behind this?” Behaviour is often emotion in disguise.

Let Him Free to Feel

If your toddler wants to dance, let him. If your six-year-old wants to cry at a cartoon, let him. If your teenager closes the door and listens to sad music, don’t mock him, knock, ask if he’s okay, and listen.

Don’t use shame to discipline. Don’t say, “Stop acting like a girl.” What does that even mean? Feelings don’t have gender.

Let them express joy, sadness, anger, confusion - all of it. Whether they’re four or fourteen.

Emotions aren’t a phase. They’re a part of who they are. Make your home the one place where they can be real without fear.

Raise Him to Love, Not Perform

Teach him that love is not something he earns. That his worth is not tied to how well he behaves. Let him know he’s enough.

Let him know that being African doesn’t mean being hard. That softness lives in our culture too, in our songs, our proverbs, our storytelling.

Let him know he doesn’t have to unlearn himself to be accepted.

The Goal

We’re not trying to raise perfect boys. We’re raising boys who know themselves. Who know how to speak instead of shut down. Who know that tears are not weakness. Who grow up to be men who can love deeply, lead wisely, and parent gently.

Let’s not wait until they’re broken to tell them they’re allowed to feel.

Let’s raise boys who never have to recover from their childhood.

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Laugh if you must, cry if you need to, but keep parenting with heart. One honest story at a time.

With love, rice, and responsible parenting

- The African Parent